Can a couple resign to live without sex need? Unfortunately, much more is happening than you can imagine. Are they happy or can they be happy?
If we put happiness on a scale from 0 to 10, obviously they do not reach 10, but for some people a 7 is enough and for others, even a 5. Although it is a proven fact that this generation has fewer sexual relations than the previous ones, there are hardly any studies on involuntary celibacy related to dissatisfaction within monogamous relationships. According to research by Georgia State University professor of sociology Denise A. Donnelly, at least 15% of married couples have not had sex for more than six months.
Who is likely to find themselves in a relationship in which everything is perfect, except sex? Sexual incompatibility does not understand gender, age, orientation, or race. Few things are more capricious and personal than the sexual appetite of each other and therefore, few combinations are rarer and infrequent than two people with identical tastes and erotic rhythms.
The ideal is to reach an understanding in the common areas that satisfies both parties and, if this occurs, there would not be too much dissonance between sex and affection. But as the sexologist explains, often it is simply that we do not have the same style of being in bed because it is important to remember we have to feel deeply spontaneous. Examples? Some people like a slow, calm and delightful rhythm and others, however, are excited by a brilliant rhythm, of lightning and flashes; for some people it is more rewarding feel deep-lying is predictable and they know that after step A the B, the C and the D come, while for others it is the opposite and they prefer to innovate, skip a step, go back, etc.
Some find it very exciting to be very expressive and sonorous in bed and to talk dirty , when for others all this is inappropriate. A style is neither better nor worse, it is simply different. Some people like certain things in their sexual relationships that the other person is not willing to do. Here everyone must assess how important their own tastes are, if they could be happy not satisfying 100% of their needs and desires.
The equation is already complicated if we stick to the mere erotic disparity of two uncomplicated lovers who simply prefer very different dishes from the menu. But there are also many well-matched couples whose sexual discomfort hides something else: that one of the two is asexual (if they are both there would be no problem to solve), that there is some disability or physical inconvenience and/or psychological trauma ( for example, victims of abuse ), or a very often masked factor the unconscious desire to sabotage the relationship.
Some people are afraid of being overly dependent on their partners and always look for something wrong with them, for example, sex. When this happens to a person systematically in all their relationships, perhaps the fault lies not in their lovers, but their subconscious fear.
But there is more! There are also cases in which one of the members of the couple takes great pleasure in meeting new people and having sporadic sexual relations with these people, but they love their partner and do not intend to leave them.
They are addicted to the ritual of meeting someone and do not see how to stop it. It is like an addiction.
In all these cases, from those who self-sabotage to the addicted to furtive encounters, passing through those who suffer psychological or physical damage, the only solution is to resort to a specialist. Whenever sexual relations do not work in a couple, it is convenient to go to a professional: the first thing is to find out the cause and, when we know it, look for solutions to that specific reason.
If there is a physical cause that justifies it, such as a serious or chronic illness, it is easier to accept not having sex than when the cause is psychological or due to differences. Many couples try to solve this problem by doing original things like buying toys or reading erotic literature, but without a professional to guide them, they will only get frustrated, because they try and try, and they never get to solve what worries them.
You have to lose the shame of going to the psychologist or sexologist, you do not have to wait for the problem to become entrenched, or in the end the relationship will deteriorate in other areas.
Caught in disenchantment
In romantic comedies and short stories, The End comes when the main things likes and/or marry, something that perpetuates in the collective imagination the myth that it is easy, natural, automatic, romantic and normal that if you have connected with a person have in her the guarantee of what psychology calls a fulfilling relationship.
In addition to the illusions made in Disney, there are other entrapments. Now, practically nobody comes to marriage virgin, but not so long ago it was usual to discover the other sexually on the wedding night, which was reckless and there were more cases of sexual incompatibilities.
In the 21st century, another version happens, There are many couples who meet on the Internet and fall in love before meeting in person, what happens if one of them is not satisfied with sexual relations afterward? There are several options, from leaving the relationship to learning little by little what each one likes to be both happy. They can do it alone by experimenting or with the help of a professional in sexology.
Let’s say we have tried everything and still the sex is mediocre and boring. What do we do with a person with whom everything is (reasonably) perfect, except intimacy? In the event that certain aspects are essential for one, there are few options, either the relationship is left or the other person gives the consent that the other can satisfy their tastes with a third person, but the latter assumption is given in few cases. Afterward: You have to decide, I endure that sexual displeasure because I like the person in the rest a lot, or short before it’s too late. Sometimes there are double sorrow over this matter, and both look for the lover to fill that void.
Should I leave him?
In such a relationship, experts agree that there are no magic or universal recipes. Resignation or not is an extremely difficult decision to make, because there is no guarantee that in the future you will find another person who gives you all the good that your current partner gives you and, besides sex.
Maybe you will be left with nothing, like in a card game where you make a very high shortly and lose. We are talking about an assumption couple that the other person is (practically) perfect in the rest. Provide affection, listening, understanding, fun, company, and emotional, social, and financial stability. Taking up the analogy of the qualifications, when we do not reach the outstanding but we have the approval, deciding if it compensates us is a decision in which the advice and opinions of others must weigh less than the conviction of each person.
Of course, it is not the same that this happens at age 60 than at 25. I would not recommend that anyone resign themselves to a sexuality that is not what they like if they are young and there are no ties, such as, for example, children in common … If they are young and independent people, I have come to recommend in consultation that they make a heart, break healthy with that partner and look for another person who also fills them sexually, but in general I do not dare to pronounce because , in this perspective, the decision is up to each one.
There is another important nuance in which the specialists also agree: this situation is much more frequent than one might suppose, although very few people talk about it. That is, if the comparison with other relationships is already harmful in itself, unnecessary and subjective, in this case, it should also be remembered that it is easy that those ideal couples with whom you are comparing may not be so much.
In other words, if you’re making a list of pros and cons, don’t weigh in on how well other people are doing because they’re possibly hiding some kind of disclaimer as well.
Consequences of resignation
There is a price that you pay. The value is what you receive. One is Warren Buffett’s most famous quote is as valid for capitalism as it is for happy but, sexually incompatible couples. The value you receive in the transaction is affection and security. The price you pay in exchange is not small.
For starters, the most normal thing is for sex to go from mediocre to non-existent. It is clear that, although at first this happens to only one of the two people, in the long run it becomes a problem for both of them. Because, when you know that you will not find satisfaction, you will not go to bed with courage and stop looking for the other. Sooner or later, none will be satisfied.
Published in The Journal of Sex Research, a study supports this reflection: analyzed 22 heterosexual men and 55 women in long-term relationships, it was found that when sex was satisfactory, it was usual to look for it and repeat, both men and women they became “initiators” of a new encounter. In contrast, when relationships were unsatisfactory, at first one of the two parties acted as “initiator or initiator,” but was often met with denials and excuses from their partner.
Over time, faced with the feeling of rejection, these “initiators” stopped looking for their partner.
At this stage it is easy for there to be many infidelities, agreed or not, double or not. But there is also another price that can be paid, more unknown and less obvious.
Being in a relationship in which sex does not satisfy us is sometimes the trigger for many problems of obesity and addictions, because if a person does not have sex for a long time, they may unconsciously end up looking for other pleasures to compensate.
If alcohol is abused, the risk may be alcoholism, and if recourse is made to food, obesity, for example. A team from the University of Georgia It revealed in a study that those who live in involuntary celibacy for whatever reason, be they heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual or transsexual, report feelings that go from frustration to severe depression.
The price, ultimately, is how much of our state of mind we are willing to sacrifice for our marital status.